Transcript
WEBVTT
00:00:00.979 --> 00:00:02.682
Hello and hello.
00:00:02.682 --> 00:00:05.788
Welcome back, god's Diamonds in the Rough.
00:00:05.788 --> 00:00:09.234
We are so glad to be back with you one more time.
00:00:09.234 --> 00:00:11.384
We hope today has been a good day for you.
00:00:11.384 --> 00:00:14.553
Amen, we hope that you've had a good week for that matter.
00:00:14.553 --> 00:00:21.974
Yes, if you're watching visually, watching on YouTube or whatever have you, you'll see our guest for today.
00:00:21.974 --> 00:00:24.865
Her name is Stephanie Jordan.
00:00:24.865 --> 00:00:27.952
Amen, we are so excited for her to be here.
00:00:27.952 --> 00:00:31.931
Yeah, so why don't you go ahead and say hello and then we'll get into a word of prayer?
00:00:35.740 --> 00:00:37.543
All right, so glad to be here.
00:00:37.543 --> 00:00:39.287
Good to see you guys.
00:00:39.287 --> 00:00:40.350
Glad you are here.
00:00:40.350 --> 00:00:42.213
Blessings in the name of Jesus.
00:00:42.213 --> 00:00:42.920
Yes.
00:00:43.542 --> 00:00:49.165
Amen, all right, stephanie, you want to open this up with prayer Sure I would love to do that.
00:00:49.165 --> 00:00:49.767
Okay.
00:00:50.829 --> 00:00:53.640
Lord, thank you for bringing us together at this time.
00:00:53.640 --> 00:00:57.750
Thank you for loving us so intimately.
00:00:57.750 --> 00:01:02.381
And, god, I just pray that you will bless this time together.
00:01:02.381 --> 00:01:05.290
I pray that you will use our voices to make impact.
00:01:05.290 --> 00:01:10.552
Lord, you promise that your word always reaps benefits.
00:01:10.552 --> 00:01:12.287
It never comes back void.
00:01:12.287 --> 00:01:17.472
So we just trust you, lord, that you will plant the seeds that need to be planted today.
00:01:17.472 --> 00:01:19.706
In the name of Jesus, amen.
00:01:20.087 --> 00:01:22.052
Amen, amen, amen.
00:01:22.052 --> 00:01:28.433
So, everybody, today we are going to be talking about boundaries.
00:01:28.433 --> 00:01:36.787
Michael is out this week, and so you have myself and I want to call her my co-host more than a guest.
00:01:36.787 --> 00:01:44.810
Amen, and we're going to be again talking about boundaries.
00:01:44.810 --> 00:01:52.629
This young lady is an author and I'm sure that she has some stories that she could share with us.
00:01:52.629 --> 00:01:57.043
Uh, but, stephanie, I want to ask you to just share us a little.
00:01:57.043 --> 00:02:02.603
Share with us a little bit about who you are and why you, how you've gotten where you are.
00:02:03.043 --> 00:02:17.219
Yeah, okay.
00:02:17.219 --> 00:02:20.669
So I grew up in a Christian home, but as I got older, into my teen years, I always loved the Lord, but I thought that I could do it better.
00:02:20.669 --> 00:02:21.131
Like that.
00:02:21.131 --> 00:02:25.860
I got it, you know, and it was like I love the Lord, but I want to do it my way Right.
00:02:25.860 --> 00:02:33.713
And so I came into adulthood just dumb as dirt and I had no boundaries Right.
00:02:33.713 --> 00:02:35.585
I didn't know what codependency was.
00:02:35.585 --> 00:02:45.348
I didn't know how boundaries worked I'd never even really heard that word before and I made a mess of my life.
00:02:45.348 --> 00:02:49.882
And Proverbs says a foolish man will have a fill of himself.
00:02:49.882 --> 00:02:52.667
And, buddy, did I get a fill of myself?
00:02:52.667 --> 00:03:07.835
And so in my mid twenties the Lord just began to work in me and heal my heart and set me on a different path.
00:03:07.835 --> 00:03:22.671
And so really for the last 20 years of my life, I've been on a journey to understand and learn boundaries and how they work, and it's made a huge impact in my life over time.
00:03:24.320 --> 00:03:26.770
Hey man, isn't it something how we just stop and listen?
00:03:26.770 --> 00:03:31.889
If we stop for a minute and just listen to God, he won't steer us wrong.
00:03:31.889 --> 00:03:32.610
Amen.
00:03:32.610 --> 00:03:37.549
For those of you that are listening, this young lady, she's a beautiful young lady.
00:03:37.549 --> 00:03:39.212
She's got rainbow hair.
00:03:39.639 --> 00:03:40.061
I love it.
00:03:40.061 --> 00:03:40.962
I just want to tell you.
00:03:40.981 --> 00:03:41.804
I love your hair.
00:03:41.804 --> 00:03:49.963
It's so pretty, but anyway, but anyway, and that says that says a lot about our uniqueness.
00:03:49.963 --> 00:03:51.067
You know what I mean.
00:03:51.067 --> 00:03:53.733
We can be different, it's okay.
00:03:53.733 --> 00:03:56.846
We don't all have to look alike because we're Christians.
00:03:56.846 --> 00:04:01.521
Yeah, we all ought to have the same message, though, now isn't it?
00:04:01.521 --> 00:04:12.455
We all have the same message, so yeah tell us, just go a little bit further in, and why it is important for us to have boundaries.
00:04:15.480 --> 00:04:28.442
So while I was kind of, you know, driving the boat myself because I thought I had a clue or two, I ended up marrying an alcoholic when I was 21.
00:04:28.442 --> 00:04:36.875
And I didn't realize that alcoholism was a thing that was so disconnected.
00:04:36.875 --> 00:04:40.826
My parents were teetotalers so I was never around alcohol growing up.
00:04:40.826 --> 00:04:47.821
They never had friends that drank, so I just did not have a clue about what any of that was.
00:04:47.821 --> 00:05:13.653
And um, when, uh, he ended up beating me up when I was pregnant with my oldest child and I left and I told God I said, look, I will stay married to this man for the next 40 years of my life, if that's what you want, but please deliver me from this marriage, if you will.
00:05:13.653 --> 00:05:21.266
And it took about two years for him to deliver me from that marriage, but he ended up delivering me.
00:05:22.543 --> 00:05:34.774
And then he called me into my marriage with my next husband and he was a recovering addict and had a relapse about a year and a half into our marriage.
00:05:34.774 --> 00:05:38.428
And I was so angry.
00:05:38.428 --> 00:05:40.468
I was like God, why did you do that?
00:05:40.468 --> 00:05:42.105
Why did you do this to me?
00:05:42.105 --> 00:05:42.648
Right?
00:05:42.648 --> 00:05:46.709
But that was when I started learning about myself.
00:05:46.709 --> 00:06:05.218
That was when I started learning about my codependency and how I play into the cycle of unwellness, and, and so what seemed like it was there to destroy us really was a healing moment.
00:06:05.218 --> 00:06:06.779
It just didn't much feel like a healing moment.
00:06:06.779 --> 00:06:09.470
It just didn't much feel like a healing moment.
00:06:09.490 --> 00:06:11.740
Right, right, I get it yeah.
00:06:11.899 --> 00:06:20.786
And so that was when I first learned about codependency, and until you can recognize that you need boundaries, you'll never seek them.
00:06:21.250 --> 00:06:22.899
Right, absolutely, yeah.
00:06:22.899 --> 00:06:33.151
And that that boundary kind of equate equates really to that Um, if you don't have respect for yourself, how can anybody else have respect for you?
00:06:33.151 --> 00:06:43.891
Um, or you know, if, if, if, you, I, I, I'm a believer that people only do as much as you let them do.
00:06:43.891 --> 00:06:49.516
And you know, if you demand respect, you'll get it.
00:06:49.516 --> 00:06:51.588
If you demand love, you'll get it.
00:06:51.588 --> 00:06:52.675
You know what I mean.
00:06:52.675 --> 00:06:59.533
And so, codependency, can you kind of further elaborate exactly what that means, codependency?
00:06:59.533 --> 00:07:09.454
So our listeners, our diamonds, have a, you know, they have a good picture in their mind, mentally, of what that looks like to be able to kind of self-diagnose themselves.
00:07:10.240 --> 00:07:20.295
So codependency is when your emotions and feelings are resting on somebody else's behaviors, actions, feelings.
00:07:20.295 --> 00:07:25.851
So, for example, like when you're married, it's like how do you separate yourself?
00:07:25.851 --> 00:07:28.889
How do you remain autonomous in a marriage?
00:07:28.889 --> 00:07:30.252
Right, you're supposed to be one?
00:07:30.252 --> 00:07:35.185
Well, the oneness only can operate when both parties are healthy.
00:07:35.886 --> 00:07:53.271
So if you are in a marriage with an addict, you naturally, even without wanting to, by default, become cod codependent, because until you learn how to separate yourself from those actions and behaviors, they will affect you.
00:07:53.271 --> 00:08:01.485
So, for example, like if your husband has a bad day and it makes you have a bad day, that's codependent behavior.
00:08:01.485 --> 00:08:12.184
If you your wife, you know is shoplifting and you're covering for her like that's codependent behavior.
00:08:12.184 --> 00:08:24.531
If your child is staying in trouble and you don't let them face the natural consequences that come with with trouble, that's codependent behavior.
00:08:24.531 --> 00:08:55.567
So, basically, codependent behavior is you can either be a controlling codependent, where you think if you have control over everything, then nothing's going to go bad, or you can be an enabling codependent, where you just keep giving them money, keep giving them access, keep bailing them out of situations, and so those are, and you can kind of be a hybrid of the two as well, but those are the predominant parts of codependency.
00:08:57.508 --> 00:09:06.852
Yeah, because so many times you know, we think that we understand, Well, I know what that means, but a whole lot of times we don't.
00:09:06.852 --> 00:09:09.514
You know, just the same as the Bible.
00:09:09.514 --> 00:09:16.118
We see what we would commonly associate, you know, with the earthly meaning, and it's really not that.
00:09:16.118 --> 00:09:25.957
And so I think it's always important for us to understand the identity of anything, and so I think it's a power.
00:09:25.957 --> 00:09:27.543
Again, I say I think it's a powerful thing to have boundaries.
00:09:27.543 --> 00:09:29.870
So what kind of boundaries did you have to set for yourself?
00:09:29.870 --> 00:09:33.224
As an example?
00:09:33.224 --> 00:09:36.620
You know, in your marriage or whatever, have you dealing with those kind of traumas?
00:09:38.365 --> 00:09:45.019
So, of course, when his addiction was active, I had to get really really firm, hard boundaries.
00:09:45.019 --> 00:09:51.573
So the beauty is that I always equate boundaries with like a fence around your backyard.
00:09:51.573 --> 00:09:56.230
Nobody sees somebody putting a fence around their backyard and go.
00:09:56.230 --> 00:09:57.572
Well, they are so rude.
00:09:57.572 --> 00:10:00.287
I cannot believe they're building a fence.
00:10:00.287 --> 00:10:02.613
Right, right, right, it's expected.
00:10:02.613 --> 00:10:03.869
That's like your private space, it's expected to.
00:10:03.869 --> 00:10:20.083
That's like your private space, it's expected to have boundaries right and so, yeah, and so like the firmer the violation, the firmer your fence right.
00:10:20.083 --> 00:10:26.943
Like you may have to put some razor wire on top of that fence if people keep trying to push over it.
00:10:27.070 --> 00:10:35.730
So, like when my late husband was in his relapse, you know, I had to kick him out at one point.
00:10:35.730 --> 00:10:39.432
Then he stole some money from us and then I ended up having to lock him out at one point.
00:10:39.432 --> 00:10:41.940
Then he stole some money from us and then I ended up having to lock him out completely.
00:10:41.940 --> 00:11:07.590
He could not see the children or me outside of, like a public restaurant, um, and it had to get really really hard and really firm until he went to rehab, um, but then, like when our relationship was in better shape, it could be something like um, you know way more simple.
00:11:07.590 --> 00:11:13.149
Like, hey, we need to have a date night regularly so that we're spending time together.
00:11:13.272 --> 00:11:18.138
Like that's a boundary right that's setting protection and limits around your relationship.
00:11:18.138 --> 00:11:23.568
A boundary right that's setting protection and limits around your relationship.
00:11:23.568 --> 00:11:35.624
So you know, like hey, we need to make sure that we are talking about some some deeper, more complicated topics in our marriage, like finances and future goals, and we need to set time aside to do that.
00:11:35.624 --> 00:11:38.679
So we're going to do that once a month on this day.
00:11:38.679 --> 00:11:53.602
You know, those are, those are boundaries and so like we would do those sort of things when we were in a healthier situation, but then, of course, when there was chaos, the boundaries look very different.
00:11:55.092 --> 00:11:56.960
Right, so you have five kids.
00:11:58.970 --> 00:11:59.504
I have five kids.
00:11:59.504 --> 00:12:00.532
So what kind of boundaries have you had to set?
00:12:00.532 --> 00:12:00.825
Have five kids, I have five kids.
00:12:00.845 --> 00:12:03.513
So what kind of boundaries have you had to set for your kids?
00:12:03.513 --> 00:12:06.381
Do you set boundaries in regard to your children?
00:12:08.889 --> 00:12:09.865
Oh yeah, girl.
00:12:09.865 --> 00:12:14.009
So my oldest son, he can be a little bit of a jerk face.
00:12:14.009 --> 00:12:17.702
He's got some attitude and he can be very disrespectful.
00:12:17.702 --> 00:12:20.605
And he's got some attitude and he can be very disrespectful.
00:12:20.605 --> 00:12:40.802
And so just this last week he was being very different, disrespectful, and so I blocked him from being able to message me or call me for 48 hours, and so that is a boundary that if he is talking to me poorly, then for 48 hours he doesn't get access to me at all.
00:12:40.802 --> 00:12:46.315
He's 22 years old, he's a grown man, like, we're not talking about 12.
00:12:46.716 --> 00:12:47.017
Right.
00:12:47.698 --> 00:12:49.342
Right, right, we're not talking.
00:12:49.342 --> 00:12:52.178
We're talking about adult here, right?
00:12:52.178 --> 00:12:52.399
Um?
00:12:52.399 --> 00:12:56.674
But like with my nine year old, she has a boundary for bedtime.
00:12:57.818 --> 00:12:58.179
Okay.
00:12:58.220 --> 00:13:09.332
You know, and if she doesn't honor me, then she'll have consequences, because her bedtime is nine o'clock or 930.
00:13:09.332 --> 00:13:29.351
And and then, like with my 16-year-old he, he has, like he's been grounded from his phone because his grades weren't up to par, and I mean sometimes for months.
00:13:29.351 --> 00:13:33.544
He's lost that for four months because I'm like your job, I pay for your phone and your job is to pass school.
00:13:33.926 --> 00:13:34.187
Right.
00:13:34.909 --> 00:13:42.183
And if you're not going to honor your part, then you don't get the fruit of the labor, of having, of my labor by having your phone.
00:13:43.009 --> 00:13:43.772
That's powerful.
00:13:43.772 --> 00:13:45.236
That is so, so powerful.
00:13:45.277 --> 00:13:46.561
And that's when they crack you up.
00:13:46.561 --> 00:13:52.958
Thank you, this one may crack you up, but summer vacations, those are my vacations.
00:13:52.958 --> 00:13:58.488
That that I gift them to join, that I gift them to join.
00:13:58.488 --> 00:14:10.014
So if they have poor attitudes, if they are grumpy, if for any reason they try and ruin my vacation, then I will not take them on another vacation with me and they know that that will actually happen.
00:14:12.477 --> 00:14:14.962
Wow, oh man Woo.
00:14:14.962 --> 00:14:20.361
But I bet you, I bet that they have a great respect for you because of your boundaries.
00:14:22.649 --> 00:14:23.572
Yeah, they do.
00:14:23.572 --> 00:14:31.244
They're great kids and we, I feel like we have good relationships.
00:14:31.244 --> 00:14:43.061
Of course, they love me and hate me at times, you know, um, but we have a lot of conversations, we talk about a lot of stuff and they understand.
00:14:43.061 --> 00:14:57.102
I feel like I'm training them to understand that the value of effort and energy that you put into a relationship and I think a lot of times that is, we use the word toxic so much in our culture.
00:14:57.102 --> 00:14:59.298
I don't really think people are toxic.
00:14:59.298 --> 00:15:05.102
I think people lack boundaries and that becomes toxic.
00:15:05.102 --> 00:15:06.696
I call it the space of grace.
00:15:06.696 --> 00:15:22.244
So you need this space of grace between where you end and someone else begins, and if you don't have that space of grace, then you start running into each other and it creates friction and chaos.
00:15:22.244 --> 00:15:30.438
And so when we aren't practicing healthy boundaries in our relationships, we get a lot of friction and a lot of chaos.
00:15:30.438 --> 00:15:36.186
That isn't necessarily beneficial or even has to be there.
00:15:47.850 --> 00:15:48.191
That's a good one.
00:15:48.191 --> 00:15:50.014
Uh, you know, I never heard it like that.
00:15:50.014 --> 00:15:58.072
That is, that's a powerful way to look at it, you know, because toxicity has such a negative continence about it that just seems more godlike that.
00:15:58.072 --> 00:15:59.775
What would you call itlike?
00:15:59.775 --> 00:16:01.700
What did you call it again?
00:16:01.700 --> 00:16:03.984
Thank you, what did you call it?
00:16:03.984 --> 00:16:06.690
Call it and say it again the space of grace.
00:16:06.690 --> 00:16:08.014
The space of grace.
00:16:08.014 --> 00:16:09.099
I like it.
00:16:09.811 --> 00:16:10.855
The space of grace.
00:16:11.610 --> 00:16:14.535
See, I got to write that down, the space of grace.
00:16:14.535 --> 00:16:19.158
Okay, not to really change directions, but I like that a lot.
00:16:19.158 --> 00:16:20.341
Tell us about your book.
00:16:20.341 --> 00:16:21.283
You have a book, correct?
00:16:36.831 --> 00:16:50.182
and faith practice boundaries in that book and I share more about my story and I talk a lot about Job in there because I feel like Job got you know.
00:16:50.182 --> 00:16:54.294
Basically the premise is that boundaries are.
00:16:54.294 --> 00:17:01.591
God set boundaries in place and as image bearers, it is important for us to also set boundaries.
00:17:01.591 --> 00:17:03.916
So God set boundaries in creation.
00:17:03.916 --> 00:17:06.461
He also set boundaries in relationship.
00:17:06.461 --> 00:17:14.851
He says you cannot have a relationship with Jesus Christ unless you repent, which is to turn from your behaviors.
00:17:14.851 --> 00:17:20.503
So we cannot just do whatever we want and be in relationship with Jesus.
00:17:20.503 --> 00:17:26.261
So in the same way, people can't just do whatever they want and be in relationship with us.
00:17:28.490 --> 00:17:51.641
And and the one of the most misquoted scriptures that I get so frustrated is is that you know you have to forgive 70 times seven, but they leave out what it says all before that there is a standard by which you forgive 70 times seven and that is when people are healthy.
00:17:51.641 --> 00:18:01.852
That means like I brought something to your attention and you recognize that it hurt me and you stop that behavior and then we can be in a good relationship.
00:18:01.852 --> 00:18:16.463
But if you do not stop that behavior, jesus gives you the ability to say this isn't good for me, because how can he hold boundaries if we're not allowed to hold boundaries?
00:18:22.970 --> 00:18:25.355
hold boundaries if we're not allowed to hold boundaries, and so so I discuss all that in in my book.
00:18:25.355 --> 00:18:26.397
Yeah, I think you got some.
00:18:26.397 --> 00:18:29.044
I think you got some.
00:18:29.044 --> 00:18:32.030
You is on to something that just makes perfect sense.
00:18:32.030 --> 00:18:33.713
Oh man, wow, oh man.
00:18:33.713 --> 00:18:37.259
Okay, you talked about the second book, the.
00:18:37.259 --> 00:18:39.143
You talked about the second book, the first book.
00:18:39.143 --> 00:18:40.164
What about the second book?
00:18:43.153 --> 00:18:54.381
So my second book is called the Death Tsunami and it's about my unexpected journey into widowhood and what I learned about life and death going through the widowhood journey.
00:18:55.482 --> 00:18:57.656
Okay, and how can we get your books?
00:19:04.769 --> 00:19:05.111
Hood journey.
00:19:05.111 --> 00:19:06.212
Okay, and how can we get your books?
00:19:06.212 --> 00:19:09.659
You can find me on Amazon and I know Believing in Boundaries is on BAM and Barnes and Noble.
00:19:09.659 --> 00:19:19.701
I don't know if the Death Tsunami has made it there yet, because I just launched it at the end of October, but you can find me on Amazon.
00:19:21.023 --> 00:19:25.853
Okay, did you have anything else you wanted to share with the listeners?
00:19:25.853 --> 00:19:26.653
Without diamonds?
00:19:26.653 --> 00:19:27.673
No.
00:19:30.938 --> 00:19:35.567
I'm going to say, diamonds, take your time to learn boundaries.
00:19:35.567 --> 00:19:40.260
It's not going to be an overnight like I just got this all together.
00:19:40.260 --> 00:19:47.961
This is a journey, so all it takes is that first step, first no.
00:19:47.961 --> 00:19:52.709
It can be your very first no, somebody you've never said no to and you just say no.
00:19:52.709 --> 00:20:08.240
If it's taking your time, your energy or your resources and you don't have them to give, say no, hold that line and begin to watch your life change.
00:20:08.240 --> 00:20:18.623
You can build a good, strong, healthy life for yourself, but it's going to require you to set some limits around who has access.
00:20:18.762 --> 00:20:27.747
Build your fence and build it well now y'all heard it said I know that's right, that was so good.
00:20:27.747 --> 00:20:29.710
I so appreciate you being here.
00:20:29.710 --> 00:20:32.321
I mean, so that was, I mean god.
00:20:32.321 --> 00:20:34.930
Oh, I feel the presence of the lord.
00:20:34.970 --> 00:20:51.598
That was powerful because so many times we are operating in anger and frustration, but it's simply because we haven't set up, we haven't made people aware of what has confused us, what has crossed us wrong, what has frustrated us or whatever.
00:20:51.598 --> 00:21:02.249
Have you and like we, it's almost as if sometimes we walk like we are being forced to walk, versus walking because we want to walk does that make?
00:21:02.249 --> 00:21:08.567
Sense, yeah, and I, you know, I myself, I was just yes, my second and last marriage.
00:21:08.686 --> 00:21:18.346
I just feel like I had to set so many boundaries in the beginning and I still do now um that I didn't set in that first marriage and I believe that that's why I fell apart.
00:21:18.346 --> 00:21:21.018
You know what I mean because there was no boundaries.
00:21:21.018 --> 00:21:22.541
He thought he could do whatever.
00:21:22.541 --> 00:21:31.142
Oh, absolutely yeah and so that encourages anybody that's anybody boundaries are okay.
00:21:31.142 --> 00:21:35.979
You know what I mean it Boundaries is like it's a rule that says, okay, don't cross this line.
00:21:37.063 --> 00:21:41.342
Yeah, don't cross this line, because if you cross this line, this is what's going to happen.
00:21:42.064 --> 00:21:44.119
Yeah, and you want to add something else?
00:21:44.119 --> 00:21:45.463
I can see it on you.
00:21:45.463 --> 00:21:46.738
You want to add something else to that?
00:21:49.884 --> 00:21:50.968
Yeah, I mean.
00:21:50.968 --> 00:21:51.734
So.
00:21:51.734 --> 00:22:17.540
One of the examples I give in my book is like when water crosses its boundary, right Like we see the destruction that it creates and we respect physical boundaries so much you know, overlook it and act like it's not a big deal, but yet the Bible does not say that you need to.
00:22:17.540 --> 00:22:22.717
You know, focus on protecting your yard or your house near as much, but it says guard your heart.
00:22:22.717 --> 00:22:25.902
And so we.
00:22:25.902 --> 00:22:36.984
You know that that understanding of like you matter, you matter and how people treat you matters, but you're the only one that can choose how that happens.
00:22:37.005 --> 00:22:39.970
Come on, you better talk, all right y'all.
00:22:39.970 --> 00:22:42.583
Father, we thank you so much for your grace.
00:22:42.583 --> 00:22:44.281
We thank you, god, for your mercy.
00:22:44.281 --> 00:22:46.061
Thank you, god, for this woman of God.
00:22:46.061 --> 00:22:51.002
Thank you, god, for every ear, every heart, every mind that is here.
00:22:51.002 --> 00:22:58.223
God, we thank you so much for this word, this powerful word, god, that you gave us to drop down into our spirits.
00:22:58.223 --> 00:23:04.002
God, have your way, continue to use us, continue to get your glory out of us.
00:23:04.002 --> 00:23:05.460
God, we bless your name.
00:23:05.460 --> 00:23:07.582
We bless every person that is here.
